In Limbo

So I made the decision to give up work and focus on my mental health a few weeks ago now. I have slept loads, struggled to leave the house, cleaned my flat more than is needed. I have had a couple girls nights out which I feel I needed. I was always so hung up on working I started to forget to have fun, and no that doesn’t mean my kind of fun is just a night out. However I have to say I have not laughed as much as I did with the girls at the weekend than I have in a very long time. It felt good to get dressed up, and dance.

Being with the girls made me realise we all struggle but in different ways, most of them are all mums..okay maybe not all to human children but our cats are classed as our babies and it seemed they all needed a break and girls time as much as I did. We have all now spoken and decided to host dinners at each of our houses and take it in turn. Loving hosting and having people over I offered to host first. Mexican night and lots of board games. 

Whilst spending yesterday with the mother of all hangovers and having the fear from the night before ( let’s be serious we all have the fear ) I started to feel really guilty. I have taken myself out of work and yet I am on nights out with my friends. Surely I should be spending this time more wisely I thought. Now suddenly racked with guilt I sat and thought well how am I going to get better? Will I ever be BETTER? what did fucking better even mean? I realise that my thinking was started to overrule how I was feeling. Most likely emotional from having a hangover and feeling sorry for myself.

Why am I even beating myself up for taking a time out from working. Never in my life have I been unemployed since leaving school at 16. In fact soon as I left school I said to my auntie at the time of living with her I won’t be home till I find a job. She and my uncle laughed and both put bets on with each other saying, jobs don’t just happen. I didn’t even have my exam results through the post. I didn’t care I knew I wanted to work and earn my own money. I hunted all day in every shop at the time. Finally I stepped foot in Peacocks in Leith and as luck had it I knew the security guard. He was standing at the door with this lady and I said to him did he know if they were looking for staff? he said you need to ask her she is the manager. I asked this lady and said I am not leaving without an interview at least. Not sure what she seen in me but I got an interview. An interview I was 16 never had I had an interview or even know how to answer the questions. I left the shop and thought well even if I don’t have the job I had an interview which was more than I left the house with this morning. I got home to my auntie and uncle looking sheepish asking how I got on, when the phone rang. You start tomorrow!! My auntie and uncle couldn’t believe it. I said I told use I wouldn’t come home without a job! smugly laughing to myself at the doubt they had in me. 4 years I was there for.

So why do I feel like I am wasting time being at home. I don’t even know where to start to get better. I am taking my medication, I am awaiting my appointment with a psychologist and an appointment for yet more therapy. I have used the tools given to me to seek help if needed. I guess I am just feeling lost. Lost and at a loose end. I have applied for an evening course at college which will help towards my dream of setting up my own social enterprise. I went for a meeting with business gateway and been given advice on the next steps, I have already previously attended a day course at first Port to gain a better understanding at what it takes to set up an enterprise. I have my plan sitting written out. I have extensive lists in fact pinned all over my walls. So perhaps I could invest some of this time into that. I have looked into a retreat at Dhanakosa and no it is not because it sounds like my name although I do laugh at that part. I just feel I need away. From Social Media and life in general. No phones, just me stripping back and really healing from my thoughts. 

I get frustrating because I am good some days in fact I am brilliant and others I am not. I am capable of so much and have massive plans and get all excited then crash back to feeling like shit. What I have done last week though was make lists. I wrote on one sheet everything that makes me happy, not what I think makes me happy but what I know makes me happy. Proper happiness from my toes upwards. On another page I wrote what makes me sad. I vowed to myself every time I feel down in anyway I will look at this and remind myself of what makes me happy. I done this in a very minimal way in terms of not writing it in formats or sentences or going into detail I chose to just use one word per thing that makes me happy. For me this I knew would help me because I need simple and to the point. So yesterday whilst feeling fragile I picked some. One of them was painting. I used to paint all the time and love it. I changed my bed with fresh bedding and added extra fabric softener that smells beautiful. I have to say as soon as I had finished painting I felt like I had released negative energy. It was strange yet needed.

 

So feel free to do this. Get yourself 2 bits of paper on one page write lots of things that make you happy. Keep it short and simple like Painting, bubble bath,fresh sheets. Make this as colourful and inviting as you can. On another page write down what makes you sad again use the same way short and to the point. It makes things feel easier trust me. Look at this when you are this having a shit day. It proves it is just a shit day and you have in writing that you already acknowledged this as a sad feeling It will give you a feeling of you have felt this before and got through worst. It also is a reminder to not pick things that are on this page as they will not cheer you up or make you feel better in any way. Then choose from the happy list 1 or 2 things and do them. Do not choose any more than 1 or 2 as you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Feel free to share your ideas on this with me by dropping me a comment on this page or an email. You can subscribe to my page to the right.

For now I am going to remind myself that overthinking does not resolve anything and tomorrow is a new day. That a bubble bath makes me happy so I am going to do that and start a new series on Netflix. Prison break has been recommended so that is how my night will be spent. I will also remind myself that it does not matter what pace other people are going at to go at my own pace. If this means allowing myself time to remember what makes me happy then so be it. Work can take over some times and leaves you with very little time invested in yourself and well being which is equally as important and paying bills and getting by

x

Advertisements
Standard

Homeless

I am going to talk about something that I have been very open about, yet normally remain tight lipped about too. It is not that I am embarrassed by my struggles I have had in the past, but I would say it is more so I worked for social bite for a long time and often felt known for being homeless. Not beyond that, just I worked for a homeless charity and was a homeless member of staff. I want to break away from that label and make people see me for who I am as a person. Aside from my past or upbringing aside from having mental health I am just a normal girl.

I was with a partner for 2 years and it all went a bit fast paced. We moved in together in the first year. After the second year together I shut off mentally. A lot of people always say and still to this day, how come you were so strong when you have had break ups. The answer is I tolerate more than I should. I then shut off from them mentally and physically months before I say anything verbally. I have had 2 serious relationships funnily enough lasting the same amount of time. Along with ending the same, both by me. Both by me mentally leaving the relationships months before I could verbally admit too. The last one I always thought where will I live if we don’t work out. I remember when we signed the lease one of my questions were if we broke up could I take the flat on alone. Shocked at my question, I said I am sorry but I am not naive this was the first flat I had with a boy. I needed answers before I signed for the future. I know to some they will think why ask that? If you get a place together you shouldn’t be thinking of breaking up. I of course didn’t at the moment plan on breaking up but something also told me I didn’t see myself with that person for the rest of my life. We were so different in many ways.

Having being brought up through the care system due to my both parents being drug addicts and not able to look after themselves never mind children, or living between family or foster parents I always had to make sure I had stability. I was an adult I had to make sure I worked for everything I had and rely on no one. Then came the day I plucked up the courage to break up. I thought fuck what now? Where do I stay? The estate agent offered me a lower price to keep the flat on myself but I had to say no. I never liked the area. None of my friends stayed even close. No this is the time I need to put my big girl pants on and deal with it. A family member flat was laying empty for years and needed decorated and more. I was offered to stay here and 2 years later was when my life properly changed for the worse.

My dad the man who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in years turns up. I won’t get into to much detail apart from he put me in danger. He took drugs in front of me whilst I asked him not to. I had an important day at college the next day and had work to type out. I called my friend and explained my situation and that is when it all went down. He came marching though shutting my bedroom door behind him and started shouting at me. Where are you going? Who’s on that phone? Pointing in my face. My friend on the other line got straight in a taxi and headed straight to get me. I was in utter shock he was drugged to the eyeballs. I said take one more step closer and I will call the police. He didn’t know me, he knew nothing about me. He took one step closer and the call was made, hands shaking the police were on there way. I turned my back to him and thought he is going to kill me. I managed to somehow get out the room and make a run for it down the stairs. Breathless I threw up with panic and fear at the bottom of the stairs. It was pouring of rain and I didn’t even have a jacket on.

Without going into much more detail that was the day I left that property and became homeless. I felt so lost and alone. My grandparents couldn’t believe I called the police, but they were not in my position so they had to just deal with there son. I went to the council and declared myself homeless. I didn’t know what to say or do I never thought I would find myself in that situation. I was moved into a woman’s hostel. This was on the royal mile. I continued to work at social bite, but my life was in a balance.

I hit rock bottom. I didn’t know bottom like it. I was the first up and last in, in the hostel. I was one of 2 who worked. The rest didn’t work. I would hand over my wages to stay in a room that smelled damp. No internet or breakfast just a room. Shared bathrooms and people with all different issues. I was not one to judge. I was just trying to get by. At night you could hardly sleep with the doors banging and people shouting. Every time I heard a door open my heart sank. I kept thinking this is like prison. Even though I had never been in prison. It was horrible. I had a fucking curfew, what am I 10 years old. We had room checks daily and multiple times a day. No privacy in here.

I had to cut my hours down as living with the homeless community and serving them all day in work was getting tougher on me. My mental health got to the worst place it had ever been. I had multiple time off work and visits to the royal ed. I thought at times I had no way out. Eventually I got my flat offer and I cried and cried. It felt like I had won the lottery. For some people they would think Dana it is just a flat in a high rise in Leith. To me it was more than that.  It was a home. It was mine. No one can move me or take it from me. This flat was the light I was waiting for.

A lot of work had to be put into the flat mostly by my grandparents due to me working, and I was ready to move in. I was high on life. The independence, being safe, having something that I have control over it was mine. I am not saying half a year later life is a bed of roses as from previous blogs you will find it has been far from it, however all I do now is to make sure the bills are paid and work as hard as I am able to, to keep that roof over my head.

x

Standard

Am I invisible?

Am I invisible?

Why do I often feel that way to some?

I feel I have to write this post as more of a rant.

Yesterday I seen an amazing doctor. She was patient, empathetic and kind to me. She listened to how I felt and asked lots of questions to get a better understanding. Never once did she make me feel belittled or less than in anyway. There ain’t many doctors left like her I can assure you!

She recommended my mental health nurse try hurry along the process of my appointment with a psychiatrist.

So today I met with my mental health nurse and fed back what I was told from yesterday’s appointment, and I was once again (because I have had this sort of treatment before from her) spoken to like I was invisible.

She started the session with greeting me with Hi Dayna. Which for a start is not my name and every time I see her which has been weekly for about the last 6 months she calls me this, even after I continually correct her. Frustration sets in but I somehow felt calm. After telling her how I had been feeling and how I can’t stay in this new job because of the triggers it is having on me. She looks at me and says do you think it is a good idea to give the job up? Well if something was starting to trigger suicidal thoughts to you would you stay in a job that made you feel this way? It was almost like I was starting to question my own ability to making the right choices for myself.

I then told her about the doctor suggesting she contacts someone to see about me being seen sooner from a psychiatrist. Her reply whilst shaking her head was oh I can’t possibly do that.. I already wrote to them before about trying that remember? She said to me and I sat thinking well no actually I don’t recall that conversation as I have never requested the process to be hurried along before. This startling her she had to look back on emails and I think she was confusing me with another patient. The session proceeding onto her telling me how I was feeling and using words like Dana we have talked about things like this, or Dana with you, you have borderline personality disorder which can make you feel this way. Well I am fucking sorry but enough is enough. 1. I will not sit and be told how I feel when reality is I feel the opposite. 2. I don’t truly believe it is borderline personality disorder, and I won’t until someone else sees and tells me.

I was sitting there weirdly still calm but switching off to what was now being said. You have the crisis team contact number? What are you going to do with your time? Do we need to get you a sick line?
A sick line brought me back to the conversation as once again this proved she was not entirely listening as I had already said the doctor yesterday gave me one. Now my body language clearly was starting to change. I was getting restless on the seat dying to make a run for the door.

Before I made a beeline for the door I had one thing I still needed to know. Why has my medication not been changed yet? Why am I on 300mg of Venlafaxine and still feeling suicidal and like this? Surely this wasn’t normal to be putting this in my body and not reeping the rewards. I questioned it again. Why am I not being changed medication? I got the response ‘we don’t want to change them till you have been seen by the psychiatrist’. So I have to keep on living like this in a trapped fucking bubble. Scared when the next dark cloud comes back and wraps me up in it again. Not knowing how I will react or how I will be feeling. Wondering how much longer can I live like this. I often feel trapped inside someone else body.

I used to be so carefree and happy with no anxiety what has happened to me. I am finding life at the moment and have done for the last year at least very difficult. Some days I feel absolutely normal and can be like that for days. Other days I won’t have the energy or the drive to get out of bed or leave the house. I find myself cancelling plans and appointments. Then it can be worse the thoughts can come in thick and fast and just take over. You can’t just shake out of feeling like that. It is not as easy or trust me I would have! I am always being told that there is a chemical imbalance which is why I feel the way I do. Yet I am then told to be mindful try mindfulness, try this try that! If it was as simple as being mindful which I actually took mindfulness classes for then why doesn’t it work. If it was as simple as working out in the gym why can’t I push past my front door? Why am I poisoning myself taking medication if it was a simple as being mindful. I am in no means saying I want to be on medication for life however I know what works for me and what doesn’t and I wish that would be listened to more.

This takes me onto the second part which is more about the people around me rather than health professionals. Let’s say friends. I find it difficult to trust peoples intentions. As I have said before my circle is kept small. This is not to say I don’t know many people, I do. Just wouldn’t class everyone a friend.

I had this ‘friend’ who knew very very well about my mental health and every single bit about it. However I often found conversations being compared to how that person feels. I often found myself reminded that they suffer depression which if I am honest can’t say I have ever seen. Unless a fall out from a bf or something dramatic happened. Let’s not mix up feeling sad about something with having depression!

I was then reminded many times when my behaviour was off or I react a certain way that they would not be supportive or have an understanding of why I behave or felt that way. The most trusted people have always let me down. When I have shared situations with family about how someone has made me feel I am reminded that it is not in my head how I am being treated. That friendships sometimes are there to test you. That perhaps they aren’t meant to be lifetime friends. That you can drift apart and that this is okay. As you grow, you can often grow apart too.

Going forward I am not going to be around people who make me feel less than or invisible. I will refuse to be in company who are not supportive. I refuse to be told how to feel from someone who has read books and may have a qualification but no life experience of how I feel. I refuse to think I am less of a person because I suffer mental health.

I often (which is a lot) anticipate rejection from other people because of the stigma associated with mental health. I often avoid social contact due to a form of self stigma.

2019 I will keep going. I will try to keep fighting another day. I will find a job that fills me with happiness. I will not be ashamed to take time out to work on myself. I will not be ashamed of having mental health. I will not be ashamed of needing to take medication. There is no shame in my game.

X

Standard

Relapse

It sometimes feels like I will never get a break. A break from my own thoughts. A mind that does not know how to be chill or relax. For the last few weeks I have been feeling lets say not so my bright bubbly self. I have mentioned before that the holiday season is never a great time for me. I am on holiday from work at that time, and find I have too much time on my hands. I always somehow hide how I am really feeling and try be positive for people around me. Reality is I am some what struggling at the moment and unsure of what to do with myself next.

I spent a week indoors not leaving the house once, or moving from the sofa or bed over the holiday period. I had to cancel appointments and plans several times. My temper and emotions ended up all over the place often arguing with those around me.

Finally I started a job 2 days ago which meant I couldn’t just sleep or hide away. I needed this more than ever. I was meant to start this new job weeks ago but due to the busy mailing times my PVG didn’t arrive in time, meaning several inductions were pushed back.

I have no experience at care work with elderly all I know is I am a caring person and once put my mind to it, I can do anything. People always laugh at the long list of skills I have as they are so varied. From painting & decorating, childcare, events, nails and so on. I love having a varied skill set and find it very important to know lots of different things than just building on the one skill set.

Day one into the shift was mostly reading paperwork and signing forms. Then into shadowing staff. Day 2 was when the struggle hit! I found myself shadowing an elderly person being washed and changed and as I stood back and watched, all sorts of emotions came over me. This was very triggering for me and it was at that point I knew this job was not for me. As I stood in the patients room surrounded by his beautiful life photos and his memorabilia it made me smile yet feel sad. My eyes started to fill up and I thought I don’t want to grow old. I just don’t want it.

Later in the evening I found myself sitting chatting to a patient with dementia and with little to none experience on dementia I found myself in conversation with the person and soon realised I didn’t know what to say. For the first time ever I was stuck for words! I knew her mum wasn’t coming to collect her but I was not going to be like the other nurses and correct her, so I decided to go along with what she felt was happening and this made her feel calm.

Still in my head I keep thinking this is not how I want to end up. I can’t get old. I can’t not be well enough to dress, wash or feed myself.

Going into this job the fears that I had which I won’t share, turned out to be the least fearless factor when faced with. In fact it was mentally tough. I had no idea this would have been the case. I knew it was going to be hard work, but I never thought in a million years that it would make me question my existence.

Last night after my second shift and a long 12 hour one I was exhausted and I was emotional. As I stepped onto the bus home the tears were already rolling down my cheeks. I couldn’t stop them no matter how hard I tried.

My right side on my face started tingling then going numb and I knew a panic attack was coming on and I was not in control of being able to stop it. By the time I got home I already knew I was in the danger zone mentally. Sitting on my bedroom floor I sobbed uncontrollably. My cat appeared from downstairs and as I held her so tight I thought she deserves better than me. The mascara rolling down my face and looking a mess was the least of my problems. My head was spinning, my thoughts were going as fast as someone pushing me on a roundabout. I cleaned my face and made a cup of tea to try calm myself down. Then this shouting started in my head again, the visions of the patient lying helpless from the shift was playing on my mind. I opened my drawer to take my night time meds, and realised I had finished my last packet so have to open my new boxes that is sitting in a pharmacy bag unopened. As I stood there feeling numb all I could think of was that is a lot of tablets. I could take them all and it would be done so quickly by falling asleep.

A tickle on my leg brought me back round, my cat meowing for cuddles. I opened the packet and took my normal dose and closed the drawer. I fought the urge so hard. I cried and cried and fell into bed. Tired from the crying it didn’t take long before I was sound asleep.

This morning I woke up although I felt much calmer I knew I had a huge problem and my future was now uncertain. Having never been unemployed in my life from leaving school at 16 I now needed to make a decision on what is best for my health at this time.

I had some professional help and spoke over my working options and health. With a clearer picture and reassurance I had to make a choice focus on my health or continue with this new employment knowing the triggers that I faced.

With the support of my mental health nurse and GP who was so so lovely and calming I have decided I can’t pour from an empty can as they say. I need to take this time to get more medical help, perhaps a medication change and therapy.

After speaking with friends who BTW I am so grateful for especially when feeling like this. Others would give up on friendships but you guys have been my rock.. anyway after speaking to friends I now realise taking a break is not a bad thing. It is refocusing and taking time to find out what really makes me happy. I know I have a road ahead but I feel less suicidal and more calm about my future whatever job I end up in, it will be one that has no triggers or by then even if it does as life will have triggers and not be plain sailing, I will have received the proper help and know how to overcome them than feed into them.

X

Standard

Cabin fever

I feel in limbo at the moment. Confused by what day it is or the time. I am so glad that the festivities are all over and done with. For me it is the hardest to deal with. I don’t have that close family or massive group of friends who want to go out and catch up over the holidays. I tend to start removing myself slowly from any nights out or dinners I get invited to because my anxiety just can’t take it. I spent Christmas eve with family at my uncles, and I had the dreaded fear of being in the house with everyone. I know it is always a bit much for me and overwhelming. Crazy isn’t it that even though I am in a house full of loved ones I still feel on edge and out of place. I kept myself busy whilst there and felt slight manic moments of over talking happening. So much so I had to have alcohol to deal with it. This was breaking my drinking ban I gave myself but hey it was Christmas and I had already said to my uncle to keep an eye on my behaviour before hand so I was in safe hands.

Christmas day was spent in my flat with my cat, it felt just like a normal day off. We woke up had breakfast watched some TV then napped a lot of the day away. It was stress free and just how I wanted it. Of course I wish for that family life where you all spend the day together, but I came to terms with not having that a very long time ago. So now I take control and spend it how I feel I want too.

New years was also spent in the flat. Initially I was going to re home another cat that was in the same litter as rainbow. I took her to meet the cat and they did not get on. So that was that. I am known for making impulse decisions and knew if I had just taken it, it would have been impulsive. That wouldn’t have been fair on anyone.

It then comes to that dreaded part of the year everyone posts achievements and start setting goals for the year ahead. I sit there and had to put my mindfulness training into swift action before my mood takes a nose dive. It is easy to get down about what you wanted to achieve but didn’t, regret the things you didn’t do. For me it was just to keep living and be happy. For most part I would say I achieved it. For the other part well it was all lessons I have learnt from. I look around and as I read the Facebook posts of everything people have done, it saddens me that I don’t live as an exciting life like others. I haven’t been on holidays. Or passed the driving test I wanted to years ago. I haven’t fell in love. So I sit and compare myself. I didn’t allow myself to do this for very long. Looking back over the last 2 years I would say I have done a good amount of things to be proud of.

As life took unexpected turns over the last few years my priority was maintaining a balanced mental health. I received the help I needed when I was not well. More so I am in control of my own life. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness no one else. So it was time to put my big girl pants on, breath in and start 2019 with a positive outlook.

I will be starting a new job, yes this is pretty frightening for me. Massive change but it has came as a perfect time. I am still awaiting my PVG to return then I can get started. My main focus this year is to remain healthy and happy. To ask for help if I need it and reach out to people. To realise I am not a burden for asking for help. To take on board it is okay to not always be okay. I have a massive idea I have been working on since last year that I would love to get up and running this year. It is going to take hard work and determination but I have never felt hunger and drive like it before. I have removed and will continue to remove any negative energy or people from my life. To ensure I am the happiest I can be.

I hope you all had a wonderful and safe Christmas and new year.

X

Standard

Dating

Dating with mental health and how you deal with it.

Do you struggle to date people? Do you bail at the last minute? Do you trust easy and get hurt even easier? Or do you hold a wall so high no one has a chance of getting over it?

Well I hear you. Dating whilst having mental health is not easy. I have bailed many a times last minute rather than just going and seeing what happens. I have been on dates and bailed midway through. I have also used the good old alcohol to just get drunk for the added confidence. At some point I realise I will have to meet someone as I am holding the label crazy cat lady, which if I am honest don’t mind. I don’t mind being the only singleton in the family at parties watching others with their better half.

I have had 2 serious relationships before. Shock I know. They both actually lasted 2 years. Scary I actually lost interest in both about the year and a half mark. For me I need to mentally shut off before I can actually say out loud I do not want to be with you anymore. Now I have been single 3 years ( minus the very stupidly brief one in the summer)

Reverting to the old tinder game where you have to judge someone purely on looks and you realise they can be a 10 in looks but have the personality of a salad, and let’s be serious no one really likes salads. You get that good old match and that is as far as it goes. What the fuck is the point! However I have had some crackers on it and have to laugh at the things people feel is acceptable to say. Recently I had someone only message to say ” You are a ride” yeah he felt the need to just say that! My reply was “nice picture of your gran in your photo however you should remove her from your tinder profile as she is probably ashamed to have you as a grandson the way you speak to woman”! and then swiftly unmatched! Had another guy say he would like to take a line of cocaine off my clit ( sorry for the vulgarity ) those were his exact words.

I have to say I am not shy in telling someone if I do find them attractive. For someone with anxiety I don’t shy away from being a little forward when needed, but I just can’t get over the fear of dating. I have no idea why. Is it that I might actually like them enough? Or have I been burned too many times to want to put myself through it again. I am such a worrier and over thinker to the point it makes me very ill. I like straightforward, black and white.

When it has came to previous dates boy I have had some shocking ones! We live in the 21st century and I don’t believe in the man paying for the date. If he is so insistent I will pay the next or slide some cash in his pocket when he is at the loo if I don’t like him enough to have a second date. I went for food once with someone and it came to the bill and I said I will pay half he grabbed the money so fast out my hand before I even had the chance to count it. I was so angry my face was burning red. He then had the audacity to say you want to come back to mine. Emm I did’t need to think too hard about the answer as before I knew it the unfiltered me burst out with Are you fucking kidding! Not a chance! I have had a few awful more but won’t bore you.

I think I also get so wrapped up in my own space and comforts and hate change so letting someone in on my routine throws me off. We all know routine is massive for me. Sudden change can take a while for me adapt. The thought of sharing a bed is nice until they take up all the bed, leave clothes everywhere, leave the toilet seat up and snore. I feel I haven’t been at the best place mentally this last year and with so many curve balls thrown my way, dating was never the highest priority on my list. I am a believer in you need to be happy and content in yourself and what you have before committing yourself to someone else. You can’t just be in a relationship with someone because you don’t like being by yourself. In fact I enjoy being by myself sometimes. I have came across people in relationships for all the wrong reasons and it makes me sad they can’t see how amazing they are.

I know for some people when they hear you have mental health and they automatically think shit she is crazyyy! and off they pop. It is not always the case mind. For me I always feel the need to be honest ( sometimes a downfall being too honest ) but I feel the person should know I struggle with mental health. For the sake if I do bail on the date last minute or cancel plans it is probably because I can’t pull myself from bed that day and face the world or human interaction. Or I may be suffering bad anxiety and need that little extra reassurance. It is important for me to know that they can deal with me having a bad day. Some might disagree and think christ you have only started talking or it is only a first date, but for me it could always go further so they have to be aware if I am having a bad day I am not ignoring them but just feel I need to sleep the day away as I am exhausted mentally. Or it could be the opposite and may be having a manic day where I can be very over excited and not know how to deal with me like that. As scary as it all sounds I am just a normal girl who happens to have good and bad days. I am honest and upfront with a good heart.

I do know I am in a good place mentally and life has started to fall into place. I am ready to start a new adventure in a new job. I think I am ready now to start dating. Before it didn’t make sense as I feel you need to be happy by yourself before you can be happy with someone and I absolutely believe it! Now I am happy with how my life is and it can throw as many curve balls as it likes if I could get past this last year and a half I can get through anything.

Standard

I call it as it is

Christmas

As I am sitting writing this I am currently sat like a pig rolled in a blanket feeling I went too far with the eating today. No diets start in December though do they…? Or in my case at all.

I wanted to write something about this time of year and the expectations vs reality of Christmas. Personally I think the world has gone bloody mad. For me Christmas has never been a gift giving competition although I do prefer to give a gift than receive, however it has always been more of how you spend your day. Fresh morning shower and back into fresh pyjamas. Good food, relaxed with movies is more my kind of vibe. Be at it alone or people who I choose to spend the day with.

A lot has changed in this last year for me. Last year I woke up homeless in a hostel and volunteered with the homeless for the day. This year I am waking up in my own flat with my kitten and spending the day just me and her with lots of food.

What people do not say at this time of year is how down they feel, how they are struggling financially and buying gifts with rent money, that they have no one to spend the day with and feel lonely.

Social media has went barking mad full of parents in competition with each other. Kids not appreciating the gifts they have been given and play with the boxes rather than the toys. Old toys get binned rather than donated to children who do not have much. Kids are out to play on new bikes whilst others are sitting watching from the window wishing there parents never spent there money on drugs and thought about them for a change.

It is all so overwhelming. I decided to do me this year. I have never been one to follow the crowds. I do not like doing things because society tells me that is what I should be doing. I took myself away from the stress of sitting with family members who I do not get on with. That one day of the year you are forced into there company just because it is Christmas. I call bullshite. Bullshit to it all. Do you! Do what makes you happy! Trust me your mental health will thank you for it. This year I feel at such peace and calm without the strict rota that is planned out in front of you with times to eat and wake up.

I woke up when I wanted. Made myself a fry up. Over indulged in general throughout the day. Napped lots. Watched movies. Opened presents. All on my own time. I do not have any decorations up some may say bahh humbug and all that but I just do not feel the need to have any up. Also my little kitten would only rip a tree down or chew the decorations.

I know this time of year is stressful for everyone but please remember you are your own person. You have the right to continue to make your own decisions regardless of what your family thinks. Say no to feeling guilty. Embrace imperfect moments. Give self love generously. It is just one day and tomorrow is a new day. Do not go into debt trying to show people you love them. Do not see friends or family if it will damage your mental health. It is okay to pause. You are allowed to say NO! Your best is totally enough.

I of course love to see families together and children enjoying the day, I am not against how people chose to spend the day. I however just want to point out that how you do things your own way is totally good enough. Go easy on yourself.

New Year

Going into the new year is another time where we all get down, me being one of them. I also find it hits me every year I turn another year older. I look back on the year and think what have I done. What have I achieved. I compare myself to people my age. Feeling I should have done certain things by a certain age or for a new year ahead. I am hard on myself if I have set myself goals and not achieved them. I put far to much pressure on myself and I am often reminded of this. One thing I am going to do is be more kind to myself. Realise that pushing through another day sometimes is good enough.

Standard