Track and unpack

I am back writing, not that I haven’t wanted too but that I just couldn’t put pen to paper. So I guess I should fill my blog in on a little update.

Lets start with work talk now and an update is I have given it up. I felt unsupported in my role and pressured having mental health that my happiness had to come first and foremost. People have been critical of my decision and often commented how will you survive? Are you not going to be bored? You should find something else quick?

Taking time out of work isn’t a bad thing as mentioned previously in other posts. How about taking time out of stressful situations to heal your mind and soul. How about you get ONE LIFE and I would rather spend it being in control of my own happiness. My bills are paid, I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I need no more. Society makes us think that in life we live to work and pay bills and repeat. There is so much more to life than that.

Now I am not saying to go out and quit your job, but I am saying to stop and think, take a few minutes to think of things that bring you happiness and things that bring stress and sadness. If one of those things happen to be a job bringing more stress and anxiety than happiness, because let’s be real all work comes with an element of stress however it shouldn’t consume you and if it does my advice is leave. There are so many jobs out there. You spend most of your life at work so find something you enjoy doing and that makes you happy to get out bed in the morning.

For me I have decided to get back into studying. I have been accepted back into college to continue to do my Cosca counselling course. I had to leave my course last year when life was a little hectic and mentally wasn’t able to finish it at that time. However with the support of my tutor I am able to redo it and continue.

I have also paid for an advanced mindfulness CBT diploma that I do from home. Along with this I have been accepted to do 2 courses at the open uni which will contribute towards qualifying. I figured part time work is best if I want to study as for the next year my life will be packed from studying.

Last week I decided to flush all medication down the toilet. To my horror it took 3 days for Quetiapine to dissolve in my toilet bowl and they wouldn’t shift at all. This made me think of what they must have done on my insides. I have also flushed my Fluoxetine so no more mental meds for me. Recently in fact the last 2 months I have gained so much weight so quickly that I blink and there is added weight. I couldn’t shift it. I didn’t understand why I was gaining this weight and so quickly too. My body changes rapidly meaning I had no time to adjust to these changes as they kept happening. Standing on the scales I weighed my heaviest. The stretch marks becoming visible on my skin also prove that my body is changing quicker than I would like.

People started making comments regarding my weight calling me fat and chubby. Eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I was at the gym every morning and swimming yet no weight was dropping. So the meds had to go. I knew it was them that caused the weight gain. I knew this was temporary, but nothing was fitting me anymore. Family have had to watch me cry because jeans that fit 2 months ago now don’t go over my hips, along with most of my clothes. So I am living in stretchy leggings and baggy tops.

I am avoiding doing things I would usually like and avoiding friends and family as I don’t want them seeing me with this weight gain. I am becoming conscious when I am out and about or ordering food to try pick the healthier options.

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