Anxiety in all its glory


noun
1.
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
“he felt a surge of anxiety”synonyms:
worry, concern, apprehension, apprehensiveness, consternation, uneasiness, unease, fearfulness, fear, disquiet, disquietude,  perturbation, fretfulness, agitation, angst, nervousness, nerves, edginess, tension, tenseness, stress, misgiving, trepidation, foreboding, suspense; More
2.
strong desire or concern to do something or for something to happen.
“the housekeeper’s eager anxiety to please”synonyms:
eagerness, keenness, desire, impatience, longing, yearning”her anxiety to please”

I think it is fair to say the majority of us suffer this in some form. I say suffer because to me that is exactly what it feels like. The overthinking, belly aching nerves of anxiousness. This for me is something I am working on getting a better hold on. Up to now I have avoided ( to the best I can ) any situations which would require me to overthink. Relationships, Jobs and Friendships are key factors for my overthinking. 

I would say I am a fairly giving person. I would even go as far as saying, too giving to some. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am honest ( far too honest sometimes ) I am caring and motherly in a weird way. I am the one who wants to look after people, to take care of them. I know from therapy that this is because of my childhood in raising my siblings. It has always stuck with me. I always put others needs before my own. I wouldn’t say this is a bad trait to have. It can however let people think I can be walked over which is so far from the truth. To those who don’t know me, I have been told I come across as intimidating. I think my personality I would say is more upfront say how I am feeling not learning to filter my words, speak before I think kind of girl. Yes I would love to say I am working on that but I am not. 

A lot of my anxieties come from insecurities and I am no longer embarrassed to say this out loud. It comes from abandonment as a child and as an adult. Not having parents to protect you, who let you down, who have hurt you in  more ways imaginable. I struggle with relationships. Relationships in any form. I keep my circle small. I don’t like change. I like to be in charge of my own life. I do not trust easy. I am very guarded and very stubborn, but I have the biggest heart with a lot of love to give.

To say I have learnt over this past couple years the definition of friendship would be an understatement. When I became homeless I noticed who was there for me and who wasn’t. When I attempted to take my own life last summer friendships changed. From years of suffering with mental health undiagnosed to being diagnosed. People who should have known me I realised didn’t at all. They knew I was suffering with my behaviour changes, though instead of supporting me they rejected me. I lost friends I classed as family. I have become more reluctant to make new friendships. and open myself up to the possibility of making new friends. It is a long road but I am getting there with over coming this.

Relationships with guys have been difficult, from being cheated on, lied to and used. I became so closed off from even the possibility of meeting someone and instead used sex as something I was in control of. I once said this to my therapist that I was started to get concerned because if I met a guy instantly I would assume it was just sex they wanted and not me. I gave no one a chance to get to know me. The anxiety ALWAYS kicks in that I am not good enough to be loved. If I was then why have so many people left. Now I am not saying I sleep around but girls are allowed to freely enjoy sex with a guy just like guys are with girls before any judgement kicks in if you are reading this. I am not ashamed to say I used sex as some kind of protection. Getting intimate yet staying in control and kicking them out before they had a chance to reject you. 

I overthink way to much to the point I make myself out to be more loopy than I am. It is safe to say the insecure feelings have a lot to play in how my anxieties make me feel. I run before I can walk in every aspect of my life. I always have to do my best in everything I do. Yet nothing is ever really good enough to me. I never stop to think of a job well done. I never stop to realise how far I have came and all I have achieved without help from anyone. I am always looking to give credit to others yet forget about myself. I never stop and ask for help, I over complicate things by letting my brain over tangle situations. However I have learnt that asking for help is not a negative yet it is a positive. I have also learnt that in life you need to make mistakes to learn from them. Anxiety plays a huge factor in episodes, when I say episodes and I do mention this word in other blogs it means a depressive or manic episode. This can last from a day to weeks at a time. I know some triggers to an episode and illuminate this in my daily life as much as possible, However sometimes it takes nothing for an episode to come on. I can wake up and straight away there it is like a bad fucking cloud not shifting. 

I think sometimes I make myself worst because I know things that are making me anxious yet I am unsure how to change some routines so that it doesn’t have to be part of my day. I worry about silly things, things that others might not. Like someone not messaging you back but they have read your message. I worry about loosing people to death. I worry about work and sometimes get huge ideas in my head that I think are manageable yet they are so unrealistic. It helps having people around me who can notice when this happens as that is a sign I am unwell or are becoming unwell. Something in which I am not always aware of. 

Anxiety effects us all differently and I am keen to know how it may affect you . If you would like to share your anxieties with me confidentially then find my email on the contact me tab. I love sharing struggles with others because we all have different ways of coping and dealing with things so what better way than to help each other.

 

 

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