19. Just another day

Recently I have been hitting home runs in terms of how I have been feeling. I have been doing so well. However today I have had to be gentle with myself. I need to remind myself sometimes it is okay to have a bad day. To feel so exhausted you can’t pick yourself up from that overwhelming feeling that feeling that just cannot be explained. The constant rush in your head where your thoughts are going so fast you don’t know how to stop and slow them down. To not be able to get out of bed and face the world that day. It is okay to spend the day in bed sleeping because you have no energy. I need to remind myself that tomorrow is a new day. Having mental health I find so frustrating at times. When you are doing all your told to do but your brain and body won’t play ball. I am taking my meds, I have stuck to my routine yet out of the blue I get ran over and feel so much shame like I have failed in a way. Mental health for me doesn’t come with warning signs that I am going to wake up to a hellish day ahead fighting my own thoughts. There is no predictions on what days I will feel good or bad, but I have pulled myself out of bed to do a little house work and have a bath. I done a meal prep last night thankfully which meant I couldn’t skip dinner even though I skipped breakfast and lunch today. I fought hard against manic thoughts to start moving my house around and stripping wallpaper off the walls because I suddenly don’t like the look of one of the walls. I instead put the measuring tape down. Lay on the floor until I felt I was able to push the thoughts away. Very recently I have started a new job as I felt it was time to get back to work. Perhaps I have taken on too much but the bills need paid somehow. I love this new job but I am starting to wonder if I have bit off more than I can chew. Instead of full time should I have looked at part time. I feel constantly on the go. With very little time to myself for house work. Not only that I have completley done zero about my social enterprise I was working so hard on to build. Taking myself out of work the last few months were so so needed and it came to the point I was ready to work again. However that doesn’t mean it needed to be full time. I realise now that I am still very much in the danger zone and the last thing I want is absences in a new job. I guess I have some things I need to get onto paper and work out. I just need to keep saying tomorrow is a new day!

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