I am back

It has been a while since I have written on my blog, not because I don’t have the time because I got lots of that. Sometimes I just have to be in a certain mindframe to write.

I have been feeling reflective and thankful recently about lots of different things. One being how far I have came since this time last year. Taking this time out of work I feel has really helped me. I didn’t realise how much I needed a time out. I believe we all need to take a time out sometimes. Perhaps not out of work like I have done but away from social media, friends or daily routine. Have time to stop, pause and think what really makes me happy. Am I happy with how I live my life? Is there things I could do or change to make me happier? Is there negative people around me.

I have had time now to do me for a while. I realise who is there for me and who isn’t. I realise what makes me happy and sad. I have removed alot of negative people and energy out my life, not being an easy choice but let me tell you what a weight lifted it feels.

I have been feeling better within myself mentally. I have cancelled plans alot less. I have the urge to get out of bed in the morning than be in it all day. If my flat could talk it would say you need to get back to work because you cannot clean anymore. All I find myself doing is rearranging my flat, and cleaning it. I find myself pulling apart cupboards to re organise and clean things. I mean there is worse things to be addicted to than cleaning right? For me I have always been a clean freak. I cannot and I mean cannot settle knowing there is dishes in the sink. Or a bed needing made. If the washing is dry that needs put away not still hanging up. In a way it is a control issue and I realise and have spoken about this with my mental health nurse. It is something in my life I have control over. Therefore needs to be of a high standard. I struggle with people coming into my space because I am so set in my own ways. I don’t want to have to clean up after someone else. Even Rainbow hides when the hoover comes out. I like things in order and a certain way. This being said I think I am ready to be working again and something I am working on.

When I first decided to come out of work and focus on myself for a bit, so many people around me felt they were entitled to pass judgement. I mean it is my fucking life and I will live it how I feel not how anyone else tells me to or how society thinks I should.

I have had nights out and nights in. I have gotten out the house alot more. I have been sticking to arranged appointments and plans. I have been seeing my mental health nurse and agreeing to any other self help or therapies to help my health and wellbeing. I started to paint again. I have changed my hair colour almost weekly. I have laughed more than cried. I have been thankful more than resentful. I have spent time with family. Reconnected with old friends.

So if you are reading this and at a point in your life were you don’t know what to do next. Or your mental health might be up and down. My advice is do not feel embarrassed to take time out. To stop what you are doing and just breathe. To sit back and think of what makes you happy, like really happy. What makes you want to get out of bed. It took me weeks of a gradual process. From days in bed and sleeping it away. To knowing my weaknesses and working on them. To making my voice be heard and not allowing people to speak for me, over me or down to me. There is absolutely no shame in taking time for you.

I remember when I first said to my nurse, when people ask what I do for work I am ashamed as I am not working. Her response was have you thought about saying you are working on you. I was so taken back it was a brilliant response and so correct.

I feel and from speaking to friends know they feel this way to that life has this timeline. I don’t know if I feel it more because of my age or what but I sometimes feel things need to be or are being done in certain ways. Friends are all having babies or have children already. Some are married and living that happily ever after. It is like society says college or uni when you leave school for that degree in that job you have known you always want to do. To then finding love settling down with kids a mortgage and marridge. Holidays once or twice a year and that is it. For me it couldn’t be more opposite and for friends around me too. I didn’t do the college or uni degree, I still haven’t figured out a career, I don’t want kids and I haven’t found the love of my life yet. We all feel this pressure of oh the big 30 is approaching you should have done all this before then or you have failed. Fuck that! I have worked in jobs on the same pay as people with degrees. I am happy not having children and a choice I get to make. I don’t want to have my life all figured out and set in front of me. What is the fun in that. I feel things happen at the right time they are meant to. There is no rush. Don’t feel left out or sad that those around you are at different places in life than you. Appreciate that you are still here and breathing. Do things at a pace that feels right for you. Not to please or fit in with others. It might be you have outgrown people and that is also okay.

I will leave it here by saying take in what you have, appreciate it. You are breathing. You have food and shelter. You have people who love you for you. Don’t follow the crowd. Don’t feel ashamed to stand up for what you believe in even if those around you feel different.

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