In Limbo

So I made the decision to give up work and focus on my mental health a few weeks ago now. I have slept loads, struggled to leave the house, cleaned my flat more than is needed. I have had a couple girls nights out which I feel I needed. I was always so hung up on working I started to forget to have fun, and no that doesn’t mean my kind of fun is just a night out. However I have to say I have not laughed as much as I did with the girls at the weekend than I have in a very long time. It felt good to get dressed up, and dance.

Being with the girls made me realise we all struggle but in different ways, most of them are all mums..okay maybe not all to human children but our cats are classed as our babies and it seemed they all needed a break and girls time as much as I did. We have all now spoken and decided to host dinners at each of our houses and take it in turn. Loving hosting and having people over I offered to host first. Mexican night and lots of board games. 

Whilst spending yesterday with the mother of all hangovers and having the fear from the night before ( let’s be serious we all have the fear ) I started to feel really guilty. I have taken myself out of work and yet I am on nights out with my friends. Surely I should be spending this time more wisely I thought. Now suddenly racked with guilt I sat and thought well how am I going to get better? Will I ever be BETTER? what did fucking better even mean? I realise that my thinking was started to overrule how I was feeling. Most likely emotional from having a hangover and feeling sorry for myself.

Why am I even beating myself up for taking a time out from working. Never in my life have I been unemployed since leaving school at 16. In fact soon as I left school I said to my auntie at the time of living with her I won’t be home till I find a job. She and my uncle laughed and both put bets on with each other saying, jobs don’t just happen. I didn’t even have my exam results through the post. I didn’t care I knew I wanted to work and earn my own money. I hunted all day in every shop at the time. Finally I stepped foot in Peacocks in Leith and as luck had it I knew the security guard. He was standing at the door with this lady and I said to him did he know if they were looking for staff? he said you need to ask her she is the manager. I asked this lady and said I am not leaving without an interview at least. Not sure what she seen in me but I got an interview. An interview I was 16 never had I had an interview or even know how to answer the questions. I left the shop and thought well even if I don’t have the job I had an interview which was more than I left the house with this morning. I got home to my auntie and uncle looking sheepish asking how I got on, when the phone rang. You start tomorrow!! My auntie and uncle couldn’t believe it. I said I told use I wouldn’t come home without a job! smugly laughing to myself at the doubt they had in me. 4 years I was there for.

So why do I feel like I am wasting time being at home. I don’t even know where to start to get better. I am taking my medication, I am awaiting my appointment with a psychologist and an appointment for yet more therapy. I have used the tools given to me to seek help if needed. I guess I am just feeling lost. Lost and at a loose end. I have applied for an evening course at college which will help towards my dream of setting up my own social enterprise. I went for a meeting with business gateway and been given advice on the next steps, I have already previously attended a day course at first Port to gain a better understanding at what it takes to set up an enterprise. I have my plan sitting written out. I have extensive lists in fact pinned all over my walls. So perhaps I could invest some of this time into that. I have looked into a retreat at Dhanakosa and no it is not because it sounds like my name although I do laugh at that part. I just feel I need away. From Social Media and life in general. No phones, just me stripping back and really healing from my thoughts. 

I get frustrating because I am good some days in fact I am brilliant and others I am not. I am capable of so much and have massive plans and get all excited then crash back to feeling like shit. What I have done last week though was make lists. I wrote on one sheet everything that makes me happy, not what I think makes me happy but what I know makes me happy. Proper happiness from my toes upwards. On another page I wrote what makes me sad. I vowed to myself every time I feel down in anyway I will look at this and remind myself of what makes me happy. I done this in a very minimal way in terms of not writing it in formats or sentences or going into detail I chose to just use one word per thing that makes me happy. For me this I knew would help me because I need simple and to the point. So yesterday whilst feeling fragile I picked some. One of them was painting. I used to paint all the time and love it. I changed my bed with fresh bedding and added extra fabric softener that smells beautiful. I have to say as soon as I had finished painting I felt like I had released negative energy. It was strange yet needed.

 

So feel free to do this. Get yourself 2 bits of paper on one page write lots of things that make you happy. Keep it short and simple like Painting, bubble bath,fresh sheets. Make this as colourful and inviting as you can. On another page write down what makes you sad again use the same way short and to the point. It makes things feel easier trust me. Look at this when you are this having a shit day. It proves it is just a shit day and you have in writing that you already acknowledged this as a sad feeling It will give you a feeling of you have felt this before and got through worst. It also is a reminder to not pick things that are on this page as they will not cheer you up or make you feel better in any way. Then choose from the happy list 1 or 2 things and do them. Do not choose any more than 1 or 2 as you don’t want to overwhelm yourself. Feel free to share your ideas on this with me by dropping me a comment on this page or an email. You can subscribe to my page to the right.

For now I am going to remind myself that overthinking does not resolve anything and tomorrow is a new day. That a bubble bath makes me happy so I am going to do that and start a new series on Netflix. Prison break has been recommended so that is how my night will be spent. I will also remind myself that it does not matter what pace other people are going at to go at my own pace. If this means allowing myself time to remember what makes me happy then so be it. Work can take over some times and leaves you with very little time invested in yourself and well being which is equally as important and paying bills and getting by

x

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