Am I invisible?
Why do I often feel that way to some?
I feel I have to write this post as more of a rant.
Yesterday I seen an amazing doctor. She was patient, empathetic and kind to me. She listened to how I felt and asked lots of questions to get a better understanding. Never once did she make me feel belittled or less than in anyway. There ain’t many doctors left like her I can assure you!
She recommended my mental health nurse try hurry along the process of my appointment with a psychiatrist.
So today I met with my mental health nurse and fed back what I was told from yesterday’s appointment, and I was once again (because I have had this sort of treatment before from her) spoken to like I was invisible.
She started the session with greeting me with Hi Dayna. Which for a start is not my name and every time I see her which has been weekly for about the last 6 months she calls me this, even after I continually correct her. Frustration sets in but I somehow felt calm. After telling her how I had been feeling and how I can’t stay in this new job because of the triggers it is having on me. She looks at me and says do you think it is a good idea to give the job up? Well if something was starting to trigger suicidal thoughts to you would you stay in a job that made you feel this way? It was almost like I was starting to question my own ability to making the right choices for myself.
I then told her about the doctor suggesting she contacts someone to see about me being seen sooner from a psychiatrist. Her reply whilst shaking her head was oh I can’t possibly do that.. I already wrote to them before about trying that remember? She said to me and I sat thinking well no actually I don’t recall that conversation as I have never requested the process to be hurried along before. This startling her she had to look back on emails and I think she was confusing me with another patient. The session proceeding onto her telling me how I was feeling and using words like Dana we have talked about things like this, or Dana with you, you have borderline personality disorder which can make you feel this way. Well I am fucking sorry but enough is enough. 1. I will not sit and be told how I feel when reality is I feel the opposite. 2. I don’t truly believe it is borderline personality disorder, and I won’t until someone else sees and tells me.
I was sitting there weirdly still calm but switching off to what was now being said. You have the crisis team contact number? What are you going to do with your time? Do we need to get you a sick line?
A sick line brought me back to the conversation as once again this proved she was not entirely listening as I had already said the doctor yesterday gave me one. Now my body language clearly was starting to change. I was getting restless on the seat dying to make a run for the door.
Before I made a beeline for the door I had one thing I still needed to know. Why has my medication not been changed yet? Why am I on 300mg of Venlafaxine and still feeling suicidal and like this? Surely this wasn’t normal to be putting this in my body and not reeping the rewards. I questioned it again. Why am I not being changed medication? I got the response ‘we don’t want to change them till you have been seen by the psychiatrist’. So I have to keep on living like this in a trapped fucking bubble. Scared when the next dark cloud comes back and wraps me up in it again. Not knowing how I will react or how I will be feeling. Wondering how much longer can I live like this. I often feel trapped inside someone else body.
I used to be so carefree and happy with no anxiety what has happened to me. I am finding life at the moment and have done for the last year at least very difficult. Some days I feel absolutely normal and can be like that for days. Other days I won’t have the energy or the drive to get out of bed or leave the house. I find myself cancelling plans and appointments. Then it can be worse the thoughts can come in thick and fast and just take over. You can’t just shake out of feeling like that. It is not as easy or trust me I would have! I am always being told that there is a chemical imbalance which is why I feel the way I do. Yet I am then told to be mindful try mindfulness, try this try that! If it was as simple as being mindful which I actually took mindfulness classes for then why doesn’t it work. If it was as simple as working out in the gym why can’t I push past my front door? Why am I poisoning myself taking medication if it was a simple as being mindful. I am in no means saying I want to be on medication for life however I know what works for me and what doesn’t and I wish that would be listened to more.
This takes me onto the second part which is more about the people around me rather than health professionals. Let’s say friends. I find it difficult to trust peoples intentions. As I have said before my circle is kept small. This is not to say I don’t know many people, I do. Just wouldn’t class everyone a friend.
I had this ‘friend’ who knew very very well about my mental health and every single bit about it. However I often found conversations being compared to how that person feels. I often found myself reminded that they suffer depression which if I am honest can’t say I have ever seen. Unless a fall out from a bf or something dramatic happened. Let’s not mix up feeling sad about something with having depression!
I was then reminded many times when my behaviour was off or I react a certain way that they would not be supportive or have an understanding of why I behave or felt that way. The most trusted people have always let me down. When I have shared situations with family about how someone has made me feel I am reminded that it is not in my head how I am being treated. That friendships sometimes are there to test you. That perhaps they aren’t meant to be lifetime friends. That you can drift apart and that this is okay. As you grow, you can often grow apart too.
Going forward I am not going to be around people who make me feel less than or invisible. I will refuse to be in company who are not supportive. I refuse to be told how to feel from someone who has read books and may have a qualification but no life experience of how I feel. I refuse to think I am less of a person because I suffer mental health.
I often (which is a lot) anticipate rejection from other people because of the stigma associated with mental health. I often avoid social contact due to a form of self stigma.
2019 I will keep going. I will try to keep fighting another day. I will find a job that fills me with happiness. I will not be ashamed to take time out to work on myself. I will not be ashamed of having mental health. I will not be ashamed of needing to take medication. There is no shame in my game.