13.Cabin fever

I feel in limbo at the moment. Confused by what day it is or the time. I am so glad that the festivities are all over and done with. For me it is the hardest to deal with. I don’t have that close family or massive group of friends who want to go out and catch up over the holidays. I tend to start removing myself slowly from any nights out or dinners I get invited to because my anxiety just can’t take it. I spent christmas eve with family at my uncles, and I had the dreaded fear of being in the house with everyone. I know it is always a bit much for me and overwhelming. Crazy isn’t it that even though I am in a house full of loved ones I still feel on edge and out of place. I kept myself busy whilst there and felt slight manic moments of over talking happening. So much so I had to have alcohol to deal with it. This was breaking my drinking ban I gave myself but hey it was christmas and I had already said to my uncle to keep an eye on my behaviour before hand so I was in safe hands.

Christmas day was spent in my flat with my cat, it felt just like a normal day off. We woke up had breakfast watched some tv then napped alot of the day away. It was stressfree and just how I wanted it. Of course I wish for that family life where you all spend the day together, but I came to terms with not having that a very long time ago. So now I take control and spend it how I feel I want too.

New years was also spent in the flat. Initially I was going to rehome another cat that was in the same litter as rainbow. I took her to meet the cat and they did not get on. So that was that. I am known for making impulse decisions and knew if I had just taken it, it would have been impulsive. That wouldn’t have been fair on anyone.

It then comes to that dreaded part of the year everyone posts achievements and start setting goals for the year ahead. I sit there and had to put my mindfullness training into swift action before my mood takes a nose dive. It is easy to get down about what you wanted to achieve but didn’t, regret the things you didn’t do. For me it was just to keep living and be happy. For most part I would say I achieved it. For the other part well it was all lessons I have learnt from. I look around and as I read the facebook posts of everything people have done, it saddens me that I don’t live as an exciting life like others. I haven’t been on holidays. Or passed the driving test I wanted to years ago. I haven’t fell in love. So I sit and compare myself. I didn’t allow myself to do this for very long. Looking back over the last 2 years I would say I have done a good amount of things to be proud of.

As life took unexpected turns over the last few years my priority was maintaining a balanced mental health. I recieved the help I needed when I was not well. More so I am in control of my own life. No one else. I am responsible for my own happiness no one else. So it was time to put my big girl pants on, breath in and start 2019 with a positive outlook.

I will be starting a new job, yes this is pretty frightening for me. Massive change but it has came as a perfect time. I am still awaiting my PVG to return then I can get started. My main focus this year is to remain healthy and happy. To ask for help if I need it and reach out to people. To realise I am not a burden for asking for help. To take on board it is okay to not always be okay. I have a massive idea I have been working on since last year that I would love to get up and running this year. It is going to take hard work and determination but I have never felt hunger and drive like it before. I have removed and will continue to remove any negative energy or people from my life. To ensure I am the happiest I can be.

I hope you all had a wonderful and safe christmas and new year.

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