Ahh the working day is done and I found myself still feeling I needed a distraction when I got home.
Let me take it back to this morning… Waking up, with that dread of pulling yourself from bed to get ready for work.
The sun is shining this morning and it seems to have lifted everyones moods. Everyone apart from me that is. I go into work and keep saying to myself pull your shit together Dana you CANNOT afford anymore time off work. Only this time me feeling crappy and sick was my own fault. I forgot to put my prescription in days ago. This meant I had now missed 2 doses of meds. Silly yes I know.
Throughout the day I kept pushing on, but I kept getting these waves of tingling pins and needles come over me. I decided to get out for lunch, the fresh air was surley going to help. As I was walking to the shop for lunch a sudden wave came over me and I felt one of my legs give way. Quickly I grabbed the nearest thing to me to steady myself. Once I pulled myself back together I thought why is this withdrawl so intense this time, then I realised my last visit to my mental health nurse my meds were increased to 300mg! No wonder my body was reacting quickly. I reached in my bag to see if I had my prescription on me and as luck had it, it was there with the intensions of being handed in all week. I quickly went and got my meds, ate lunch and headed back to work, in a sweat to finish my shift.
As it got closer to home time my motivation started to dip and quickly. I found myself picking at flaws about myself. My mood started to change and take a dip into extreme tiredness and anger. I sat thinking how much longer will I be in this job? How much more patience will a company have with someone with mental health? Is this in my head? I wonder what my colleagues think of me? When the thoughts start coming rushing in quickly and I am not able to process them all this is when the suicidal thoughts start to creep in.
I got home and was pleased to be reunited with my kitten who is called Rainbow. I named her this because she is the positive in every storm I face. I got her at a time I was struggling and instantly she has helped me. Still feeling sleepy with racing thoughts I put myself to bed for an hour to try calm down. This usually helped. However not this time.
I lay there thinking those dishes downstairs need done. The cat has been alone all day, you need to play with her. That washing that is hanging up needs folded and put away. You must fit time in to eat. How about you move your room about? How can my flat need sorting I only done a massive clean yesterday? Exhausted at all these thoughts I decided to do a craft project. A little upcycle of furniture I have. Anything art related or crafts and diy seems to bring immense calmness to me.
As I sat in my own little bubble the stresses started drifting away. Seeing the finished product of any project I do for my home makes me super happy.
Then I realised I was too hard on myself today. Yes I forgot to put my prescription in, do I normally forget no? Or not often anyway. It was a mistake and those happen. I also realised Dana it is okay not to always feel okay. I recognised my mood changing and was able to do something that would take my mind off it, and it worked!!
Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. The fights we have with ourselves cause us the most pain. It is time I started to believe in myself and say well done. Well done for knowing you were having a crappy day but pushing through it. Well done on picking up your meds. Well done on sorting your diary with an alarm so it does not happen again.
Let’s be more kinder to ourselves.
I will leave this here with one thing I ask of you. I ask you to reach out to someone and ask how they are? Asking that all important question Are you okay? How are you? Will allow people to know you care and you are there willing to listen if they need you.
So I am asking YOU are you okay?