*Disclaimer this post may be triggering to many*
Today seems like as good a day as any to share something I normally don’t talk about. I don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed, I don’t even regret it. That to some people family and friends will be hard to hear, however I use this blog as my freedom to be open and brutally honest.
I remember feeling anxious more anxious than I had felt before. I had slept okay, showered and sat down to do my make up and get ready for work when my hands wouldn’t stop shaking. I thought for god sake Dana pull yourself together. The tears started streaming down my face and they wouldn’t stop. Damn it I now look like a panda on the bus to work trying to control the tears but it didn’t work like that. I was an emotional wreck. I got off the bus oblivious to anyone else around me and I knew I just couldn’t do my shift. I walked into the shop and sat crying in the booth. Customers were coming and going and I just blocked them out.
Everything kept going round in my head too many thoughts to process at once, everything felt so fast paced and I was now not in control at all. Scared of these feelings I called my mental health nurse to make her aware I needed help. I left the shop and walked all the way home to the doctors. I was in such a bubble I called my friend she calmed me down and just listened to me. I was so unaware of my surroundings I even got lost. How crazy I got lost in my own hometown. By the time I reached the surgery my hands were numb. Straight away I was seen and it instantly calmed me down feeling I was in a safe space. I was prescribed sleeping tablets to take the edge off and bring me down a little. At the time I had a boyfriend ( this was VERY short lived) and he seemed to know what to say but somehow it made me feel uneasy and anxious. I haven’t fully opened up and told people just how bad my mental health gets but I felt I trusted him. (or so I thought!)
That day I was signed off work, they wanted to sign me off for a week but me being me I did not want to be out of routine or be off work. I love my job and the people I work with. So I said I only needed 2 days to just bring myself back down again and I will be fine. Her last words to me were now Dana it is very important you do not drink alcohol on these tablets. Alcohol is she kidding I wanted sleep for my brain to slow down and let me catch up not go out on the lash!
Little did I realise I was more ill than I thought. And yes this can happen to people who have mental health. You don’t always realise you are not in control anymore. Thankfully I have the best people around me who can spot this before me when I am getting ill.
I went to the chemist picked up these meds, made myself a bed on the sofa and slept away the day.
The next day I was feeling a little more rested probably due to the fact I was still dosed up with medication and decided to pop to my uncles shop and get my roots done. When you look like shit you feel like shit I said to myself. Time to try get out the house push yourself even if its to uncles shop. Its safe in there I told myself. And yes i looked like a bag of shit.
Leaving the shop I felt slightly better knowing my hair was done and I would walk home from there. On the walk down the road my ex (now) calls me and is very off with me. I won’t go into the conversation but it ended with me not taking the crap I was given. It started to click in my head he couldn’t handle me at my worse. But he was making other excuses instead of being straight up. The tears were rolling down my face again walking down leith walk and that heavy cloud that was following me for days was ready to blow.
That night I was at home and I had finished the previous conversation with him saying I was done. Sitting at home with too much time on my hands, blocking everything and everyone out. I poured myself a wine.
If for those family members who don’t want to know what happened then don’t read any further!
Wine after wine I felt more numb. I took a knife out the drawer just to see if I could feel any pain at all and took it across my ankle. Watching the blood appear I thought why did I not feel that. Then in my head I hear it again Dana whatever you do you cannot drink with this medication. I got out the notepad and pen the drink had really kicked in now and I had taken all the tablets with it. I knew now I was so over feeling down, sad, unwanted, never good enough the list was endless. Nowhere on that list did I find a positive. Onto the second bottle I found myself texting my best friend to tell her I loved her and if I’m honest I can’t remember what else I said or who I said what to. I knew people would be hurt by me not being here but I felt I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was all too much. I couldn’t see a way out. I had been on medication for a while and even that didn’t suppress how I was feeling so it had to be ended for me.
I sat and wrote out my letters to friends and family explaining how I loved them. I took the knife again but to my wrist if I still couldn’t feel it then I know I won’t feel death.
Working my way through more wine when my head was just feeling sleepier my door goes. And this angel appears (not that I treated her like that at the time). I’m not going to name this person as she knows who she is and how much she means to me. I opened the door thinking what’s going on what are you doing here. Next thing paramedics are here along with my Uncles. How did these people know where I stayed? Who called them? What’s happening? Why am I not being left alone? Looking round all I seen was pain and concern in there eyes but why. I don’t want pity I wanted to be left the hell alone!
I spent the next few days sick and getting the help that was needed. With people close to me checking in and coming to terms with what I had tried to do.
To a lot of people suicide is the easy way out, its selfish trust me I’ve heard it all. Let me tell the people who think like this, you are ignorant. People with mental health like myself are numb to these feelings we don’t see futures we see no way out we are tired and would prefer to sleep life away.
I came through this dark spell luckily alive. I was notified by the now ex that my mental health made it easier for him. Yes if you do come across this blog you are a prick and don’t deserve someone like me!!!
If you are feeling suicidal or know of anyone who is. Be there for them. Don’t allow them time alone. Lay in bed beside them holding there hair back if they need to be sick into a basin and watch TV together. It is difficult to see the good in yourself when you feel this way. Not everyone gets through suicidal thoughts and unfortunately loose life to suicide. Please be kind to everyone, speak up to people if you feel down there is no shame in this. There is so much help available. I know coming from me that sounds patronising as I attempted it myself but I came through it and receiving help that I needed.
If you need help I have put links onto this blog so you can reach out. It is under the section where to get help is needed. I just want to say thank you to the people who never judged me, who never left my side, and who has remained by my side without use I wouldn’t be here today. To my work for being a massive help in giving me the time off and easing me back into work slowly. I am forever thankful. To my Uncles who I now have a stronger bond than ever with I am sorry I wasn’t open enough. Thanks for holding my hand through the night in the hospital even though you had work the next day. To my best friend who had the courage to call for an ambulance and get me help. You saved my life. And to that angel you will never know just how much you mean to me. This last year has been the toughest year and yet you were always ALWAYS there when I needed you. You never passed judgement you never made me feel uncomfortable. Having you in my life is what has gotten me through this last year and I will never be able to repay you for that.
To finish this off on a good note. I am back to work, back to smiling back to being in control and learning about my mental health and how I can remain in control when things take a wrong turn. I am in no means saying I won’t have dark days again but I will say I am now in full control of my life and who is in it and who needed removed.